Hi,
I have been diagnosed with Major Depression ,anxiety and have been taking Lexapro20 mg for the past 3-4 months.
Of late I have this utterly obnoxious problem of doubting myself to the extent of wodering "if I really want to think what I am thinking" – which could be something as normal as commenting in my mind about the color of the sky … as though my ‘normal’ voluntary thoughts, even though are mine, seem strange …. when I talk to people I carry out seemingly normal (even animated) conversations and then through the talking wonder if I am really wanting/meaning to say what I am saying….am I really interested in what XYZ is talking about…. worse bit is this extends to things like petting the dogs, thanking my friend for helping me in something, eating something tasty, or even writing in my personal journal.
I know depression could make one doubt oneself, but thats supposed to be like doubting if one is worthwhile, if one is lovable etc etc..
I find myself in such severe self-doubt that I am scared it might even lead me to doubting my own existance sometime…. I doubt whether everything around me is real/ doubt if I am feeling normal or dazed…. and sometimes even doubt that I have a habit of doubting myself….
I find myself at times thinking like someone else – perhaps like my mother/wife/friends would react to some situation/stimulus…. as though ‘i/me’ doesnt have any opinion… and my mind’s behaving like other people…!
When I am desperate or miserable and wanting to talk to someone… I feel hesitant strangely.. like do I really feel this way… should I really talk about it…. would I be able to convey to them how I am feeling when I myself am not sure of it..
It is stopping me completely from enjoying some basic things of life….I am even scared to be on my own…. because I would feel scared to think ANYTHING at all….and I have noticed that I am beginning to be quite self-conscious..
A couple of days ago one evening I felt so helpless and miserable about feeling detached from the world as I it knew once that it made me feel like I am dying…. After a while I was just quiet and frozen… towards the night I felt as though I am feeling nice…. but I was feeling as though its not true… as though somethings fake about my nice mood… felt like a part of me is gone/lost/dead….. and have been feeling so ever since… I know its not rational… but I have not been able to snap out of it….
I have thoughts sometimes which feel stupid to me…. like making songs out of what I am reading on a billboard, or simply making rhymes/stupid jokes in my mind out of what someone is talking to me…. this happens so involuntarily that it angers me… I am scared I might just blurt it out sometime…
I wonder if this started as some sort of escapism – when I would zone out not wanting to focus on negative thoughts….
My therapist says its a part of depression, but I did not experience this before…
I want to change my life, but this self-doubt has reduced me into some sort of a zombie. I am at a complete loss as to how I should deal with this.
Please help
i’m a psychology major and even though they advise us against diagnosing people we havent met with im going to try to help you out… there’s a lot of different things going on here so i am going to try to help explain them as i see them…
1st of all, im not sure about the medication so you should google it and see side effects of it and try to see if others taking it have felt the same way,, if they have and it’s all the medication i would try switching to a different medication or not even taking medication because there are other ways around helping with depression not only medication.
2nd.. ur current diagnosis from ur therapit is MDD.. major depressive disorder this can include things such as a loss on interest in activities you used to enjoy, feeling tired, not wanting to go out and socialize, and just always feeling down about everything. doubting yourself and your abilities is another symptom because depressed people always feel that everything going wrong is their fault so they blame themselves and doubt their abilities. again, this is normal for MDD. however, having feelings that you’re not even sure what your talking about or your not sure if you believe other things in the world such as people and material objects, is not a symptom of MDD. honestly, i’ve never heard of it being a symptom of any disorder, some people just think this way. it really just sounds like a philosophy of life to me and that maybe you should look into careers in philosophy because that’s all philosophers basically study, it’s not really a mental disorder or a symptom of a problem. I kno of some philosophers who doubted their own existence as well. if this type of thinking is really bothering you so much that it takes the joy out of everyday things.. you should just try some self talking. For example, if you’re petting the dog and you start to think that maybe the dog isnt real maybe you’re not even real you can try really talking through it that you are touching the dog you feel its fur you’re able to hold it in your hand, so it is real, and therefore, you are real because if you can feel you are obviously alive and real. "I think therefore I am"
3rd.. the part where you felt helpless and miserable and had a sense of death is an anxiety/panic attack. panic attacks can come out of nowhere and you have a sudden intense fear and discomfort, you can get dizzy and sweaty and feel like you are doing to die. panic and anxiety symptoms are very common in people with depression. in half the cases of depression, anxiety is also there and vice versa.
lastly,, the part where you make up silly songs and stuff in your head is normal. it can actually be a sign of your creativity that you see music and jokes in ordinary places where others might. even if you blurted it out, i’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem. If you’re talking with a friend who says something that you can make a joke out of in your mind..it’s healthy to share it out loud. keeping these things inside will only repress the feelings and make you worse off in the end
you cannot always be doubting yourself.. you are who you are and if others do not like it, then you find new friends who will like you for yourself. a lot of ways that depression anxiety, and other minor disorders can be fixed is called cognitive behavior therapy. the therapist will work to change your ideas about the world and yourself and in effect, your thoughts will change your attitudes and behaviors which will again change your thoughts, and it will go on in a positive cycle that will kind of reqire your brain to think more positively about yourself.
i hope i have helped you ge a better handle on what you are feeling and where to go from here. the most important thing is to seek professional help. if your therapist does not seem to understand where you are coming from i would suggest going to a new therapist. some therapists think that medication is the only answer when often times it is not. i would try to find a cognitive behavioral therpist (CBT) or a mental health counselor who specializes in CBT. good luck!
Also, like the last person said… there is a disorder called depersonalization disorder where you feel as though you are having out of body experiences and being detached from your own body or thinking.. so maybe you want to ask your therapist about that and anxiety is often common with that as well
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